making peace with my extreme jealousy

I am in love with Today

2006-07-04T10:49:00.000-07:00

I am maybe making progress on my peace-making mission or maybe falling into another stupid situation.

It seems like the past is cathing up with me, really fast, and I don't want to miss a thing, everything.. I want more.

I am savouring the overwhelming sensation of a whiff or two, of a touch or two. I am meticulously really into them.

I think I know when to stop.. I will stop when I want to stop.. But first I will tell you how much I miss you..
July 4th 06

Oooh La Laaa

2005-11-08T02:20:00.000-08:00

This is getting really nasty, when you started doing things you dont normally do. Or you think about things you dont normally care about.. Or you actually give some thoughts about doing things you dont normally would do..

I've done all of the above just within the past week..

Somehow I believe the universe is trying to tell me something.. Otherwise, I've gone mental..

Miss you sweetie

2005-08-27T00:34:00.000-07:00

I was 20, a bitch, an angel, and deliriously alive when I was with her.

I miss my bitchy babe!

(Pol, I wish you can read this)

What the Hell??

2005-08-27T00:03:00.000-07:00

OY!!! Please stop spamming my blog. Thank you!

(I know its useless, I just need to vent something out.. But really, I think it's rude..)

My Birthday

2005-08-23T11:59:00.000-07:00

Its my birthday today. I have just turned 28. I wish for a wiser me for years to come.

Five minutes after the clock struck midnite, my boyfriend called to wish me a happy birthday. I wish he'll be next to me for me to hug next year, coz his home is my home.

I woke up to the ringing of my cell, my mother ask me to go downstairs to fetch my birthday present. I love the presents, and my mother handpicked them, so they worth a lot. I wish I was more enthusiastic coz they didn't seem convinced that I love the presents.

From morning to noon, took small naps and laying around on my bed reading a new novel. It was my plan to do whatever I please in the morning and during the day, and so I did. Took a shower at 2pm. I wish to be more hygienic starting tomorrow.

Had afternoon tea with my best girls and my bestmen at Grand Mahakam. It was marvellous and beyond words. I was very happy. I wish for our friendships to last eternally.

Went to have dinner with mom, dad, uncle, and boyfriend. The foods were fantastic, I got to eat whatever I desire. I think my cholesterol level has just risen up. I would've wished for a wiser sense of eating, but I wont coz it was my birthday!

I have got a lot of birthday wishes, some came from friends that I dont remember theirs. I wish to give more love to those who care.

Today is my birthday. I pray for a better me in days to come. I wish to be happy and make others happy.. Amen.

The Mayonnaise Jar and the Beer

2005-08-12T12:31:00.000-07:00

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "Yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your passions, things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.

The sand is everything else - the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked," he said. "It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

-When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar........and the beer (or green-tea frappucino if you don't drink beers)-

a note: I merely re-write and gave little personal touches to the story above. Whomever wrote it is a genius or somebody desperate for a way out of her/his hectic life; or somebody just like me who need a justification to have fun all the time.

Finding Careerland

2005-08-11T21:08:00.000-07:00

For the past few days, I’ve been secretly wondering about who I am in this life, professional wise. I was having a hard time deciding what do I do for a living when I tried to fill out a form. Of all the vocations in the list (which is about hundreds of them), I couldn’t exactly put my finger on one specific career I’ve been doing all this time. And that actually got me thinking, real hard, that I’ll be 28 years old in a few weeks, and I still don’t know my place in the world. That freaked me out!!! (I’m sure it’s gonna freak you out too, wont it? Of course it will..)

I took psychology course on my first degree, but I didn’t take (I think it’s called) the profession stage, which leads me profession less. I’ve got the knowledge but yet haven’t got the skills to deal with clients. Then I took Design Psychology for my masters degree, which I figured after my graduation, was actually designed for design graduates instead of psychology. So even though I know stuffs about psychology aspects in designs and damn good at it, I found that I’m one leg short to stand as a design psychologist, I have no knowledge in design! Therefore, I sort of owning two bikes, but only got one wheel on each of them, I can’t ride them, can I? Oh and I also took a jewellery-making course and interior styling on Easter breaks.

To sum up, my educational backgrounds don’t match, not to mention support, each other. And don’t get me started on my working experience; it stretches as far as from an IT journalist to a wedding box business.

Anyway, there I was, jobless and nobody seems to want my shares of knowledge because I’m not particularly properly certificated on anything. But certificated or not, this girl gotta make a living.

So somehow I landed myself a career as a freelance stylist and I’m starting up my (still) small jewellery company. If you’ve been paying attention, both are the careers (I’d like to call them careers) based on the Easter courses; a few weeks having fun in the class making jewellery and mood boards, not the long 8 years of morning classes, exams, and trying to locate the professors on holidays in Vietnam.

Ok, I have a point and I’m not getting to it. Until an hour ago, I still have no idea what I want to do in my life for a living. For the last few days, I was considering working at big offices, getting paid and secure my health insurance and pension. Perhaps that way I’ll have my peace of mind, I’ll have a career, a real career.

But just before I go to bed this evening, I was putting my freshly hand-made jewelleries on display, and I felt a surge of happiness because they are so very pretty and they make my heart gulps. I like it when my heart gulps, it feels really nice. I need my daily dose of heart-gulp, and I just happen to know where to get them.

I’ve decided to become a full-time jewellery designer. I need to be surrounded by things that make me happy, and designing and making jewellery, which I have been doing in the past 7 months, makes me happy. I’m going to make a career out of this. And not long from now I’ll call myself a jewellery designer. Oh, and I shall continue my career as part time stylist if anyone still wants me.

Oh I’m so glad, I’ve actually got the careers of my dream all along. Just need to trim some sharp edges to turn my career life smooth as a baby’s butt :D Wish me luck!

No!

2005-06-10T02:33:00.000-07:00

Its a very short word, consists of only two letters, but I wouldnt be surprised if it is the hardest word to say in the whole wide world. In my world at least.

Oh well, I didnt mean to make such a big deal out of it. Its just.. I still have no idea how to say 'no' to someone nice and sweet, but empirically-proven has annoyed you in the past and most likely will do it again unless you say 'NO'?

This girl who I'm not really close with, has always nag me with questions about my ex. The story is soo last century, she is sooo not well-update, yet she acts like she knows every so-called juicy details about my ex that she's dying to spill. How she thinks I'm interested, I havent got a clue.

There were times when she would just popped in to my house, nonchalantly asked me why I broke up with my ex and how she couldnt understand it, and how grave the situation was according to her and the rest of the world but me, and how I have broke his heart, and lalalala, and then slept on my bed (after she told me she'll continue her story tomorrow coz now she was too tired).

She has questioned the ex's stuffs when I was still single, just broke up. And she has just done it again earlier today when I met her. I'm now attached and I was with my boyfriend when she did that. I really think she's mental.

Anyway, I tried to make a conversation with her, and I simply ask her about a test which she asked for my help months before. It was really such a harmless question.. At least I thought so..

Then came her answer, such an unthinkable answer, she said (while smiling, coz she's of course actually a nice person), "I'll tell you all about it later. I'll come over to your house soon." WAK!!! Whyyy?? Why did I have to try to converse with herr??

Anyway, of course I didnt say 'no, you cannot come to my house'. Instead, I smiled (weakly) and said, "Oukay.."

Whhyyy couldnt I say 'no'? --> 'No, I dont think that's a good idea', would be a quite appropriate answer, wouldnt it? And if it looks like she's gonna cry, just add, "We can meet up at a cafe sometime." At least she wont be barging into my personal life in my own crib! I can always leave the cafe anytime I like, but I cant just get out of my own house, to go to..where?

Anyway, like my bestfriend said, we can always defend ourselves from assholes, but we certainly powerless against a nice and sweet person although she can be as annoying as the assholes. The difference is only a smile away. I certainly lack the ability to say 'no' to people who smiles..

No Sweat!

2005-05-29T03:59:00.000-07:00

Just finished reading a friend's blog. To sum up, she wrote that everything is as beautiful as they are now. So I take it that actually things are perfect, everything is on their places.

It doesnt really matter the many of self-humiliating things I have ever said or done; doesnt really matter if I was not hip & hot in high school; and it wont change the world if tomorrow I wake up with swollen under-eye bags due to lack of sleep. Does. Not. Mattaaah..

I will worry no more about people who hate me, if not want my head on their supper plate (eurgh..). Its perfect that they hate me, it is just the way things are. Maybe I deserve it, maybe I dont.. Dont care, its just perfect.

Doesnt matter if the best of some people just dont meant to be mine; if I am just perfect to be a part of the process and not the end; if I myself have decided not to be a part of the end, and by doing so upsets some people. Its just the way it should be. No sweat..

Macet, Terapi Baru Peredam Jengkel

2005-05-12T02:20:00.000-07:00

Sore tadi karena satu dan lain hal gue jengkel sangat! Biasanya gue suka jengkel sama keadaan, jadi gak ada obyek penderita yang bisa disalah2in. Kali ini beda, objek amarah gue ada, hadir, dan dalam jangkauan tinju.

Tapi seperti layaknya seorang Ala, gue cuma nahan gejolak kesel, sambil bilang, "Nggak maarah kook.." Plus senyum (meski berat rasanya ngangkat sudut2 bibir)..

Tadinya gue pikir gue nggak mau buka medan perang sekarang, karena pasti bakal mati semua prajurit dari kedua belah pihak gara2 sama2 emosi. Mending dinginin dulu suasana, lalu diam2 menyusup ke kamp musuh trus sergap! Udah pasti gue bakal menang.

Lalu, kita (gue dan calon korban sergapan) melanjutkan perjalanan ke sebuah tempat yang menurut logika nggak mungkin kesampean, mengingat ini Jakarta hari kerja pada jam 5 sore. Yang terjadi udah pasti: Macet.

Maceeett bangeeettttt... Lalu jadi lapeerrr dan auuss. Tukang2 bakpao parkirnya jauh2 banget lagi dari trotoar, gimana cara belinya coba? Dilempar? Emang gue pasukan Saolin Soker? (tadi sih pikiran ini kayaknya nyambung, tapi sekarang kok terdengar gak wajar ya?)

Udah gitu buanyaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkkkk bangeeeetttttttt orang2 yang gak layak nyetir, karena mereka nggak paham kalo 'bingung' itu bukan berarti lo bisa rehat sejenak di lampu merah, mikir mau belok kiri atau kanan, sementara mobil2 pada bererot di belakangnya, pingin cepet2 lewat lampu soalnya ijonya cepet bangett!

Ada lagi orang naik motor yang mau ngambil jalan gue, malah melotot dengan sorot mata "Eh bodo banget sih lo malah maju, nggak liat apa ada gue di sini?" Pingin gue jorokin masuk kali deh.. Bener.

In short, banyak banget kejadian2 gak masuk akal selama macet itu, yang ternyata bikin gue tambah laper karena energi makin surut dipake buat mengumpat-umpat. Pas akhirnya kita sampe di tempat tujuan, objektif pertama adalah cari makan! Menggantikan posisi mau perang yang udah diancang2 sejak berangkat.

Setelah piring bihun goreng licin, dan botol teh botol kosong, perasaan gue bahagiaa sekali. Bibir pinginnya senyuum terus, dan ternyata niat perang udah nggak lagi jumawa di hati.

Ini bukan gara2 bihun, tapi gara2 a greater cause, yaitu macet; yang bikin gue laper sehingga gue makan bihun, sehingga hati bahagia, sehingga amarah cepet hengkang dari hati. Calon korban sergapan kembali posisinya jadi calon suami, dan hari ini berakhir tanpa adu emosi yang (ternyata) nggak penting.

Nggaaak pernah2nya nyangka kalo gue akan berterima kasih atas sebuah karunia Tuhan, yang namanya macet.

Jangan Remehin Lagu Dangdut

2005-05-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

Lagi nyuap bakwan di deket bunderan PI, pas tiba2 telinga dikagetkan oleh irama seruling khas musik dangdut; genre yang umumnya masuk kategori DONT'S kalo males disebut norak sama temen2 sepergaulan.

Sebagai salah satu di antara sekian banyak manusia yang males disebut kampungan, kuping udah tersetting untuk auto shut-off tiap kali disambangi oleh irama gambus. Tapi biduanitanya kok nyanyi liriknya itu ituu terus, diulang2. Satu lagu isinya reff semua apa?

Mulai dong telinga kebuka pelan2 karena penasaran, "Ngomong apa sih ni perempuan?" Setelah menetralisir rasa bergidik di ulu hati, ternyata liriknya berbunyi begini:

'Buat apa bersedih hati, hidup ini sementara. Marilah kita berbahagia, dan buat orang lain bahagia.'

Pelajaran paling berharga (at least for the day), biasanya emang dateng dari sumber yang paling tidak terduga..

Habis Terang Terbitlah Gelap.. Eh Terang Lagi..

2005-05-09T12:39:00.000-07:00

Ibu kita Kartini obviously sayang sama kita. Buktinya, beliau bilang Habis Gelap Terbitlah Terang.. Tapi beliau nggak bilang kalo abis terang, nanti gelap lagi..

Hemm....

Gue baruu aja bilang kalo semua dalam hidup sedang berjalan lancar, termasuk kerjaan yang diakhiri dengan manis wikend dua minggu yang lalu. Tiba2 dapet kabar kalo hasil kerjaan kemaren itu rusak semua dan harus dikerjain ulang. Hekkk! Rasanya ibarat ketimpa beban benchpress (buat yang gak familiar ketiban benchpress, rasanya lumayan bikin eneg).

BT pasti.. Tapi yah, udah kejadian, mau protes gimana.. Proyek terakhir ini adalah my brainchild! From the beginning 'til the end. Dan itu semua gone with the thunder storm (I've told you it'll come), gak ada jejak2nya sama sekali.

Oh well.. Sedih.. Campur aduk sama rasa males yang membabi celeng, untuk ngulang semua proses dari awal. Pokoknya kerasa banget deh habis terang terbitlah gelap..

Nah... Pas malem menjelang detik2 proklamasi, gue dapet kabar bahwa kerjaan batal diulang karena ada alternatif yang lebih menguntungkan. Hore sejadi-jadinya! Workday berubah wujud kembali menjadi wikend, dan rasa lega campur bahagia kembali menyusupi sel2 hati.

Ternyata yah.. Emang ada baiknya untuk dengerin orang yang lebih tua. Ternyata ibu Kartini dulu pernah juga ngalamin habis terang terbitlah gelap, yang abis gelap ternyata terang lagi. Thats why beliau ngerasa gak perlu nyebutin 'Habis Terang Terbitlah Gelap', karena habis gelap, terang lagi kok... And it always does..

Jangan bikin susah hidup yang udah gampang

2005-05-02T23:27:00.000-07:00

Gue baru ikut2an seorang teman tercintaku bikin blogger.. Sehari, dua hari, nunggu inspirasi dari kehidupan, kira2 apa yang bisa ditulis di kolom curhat elektronik ini. Tapi kok nggak ada apa2 ya? Biasanya kebelet pingin katarsis kalo lagi ada gangguan dalam kehidupan. Nah, sekarang lagi gak pingin curhat, berarti hidupku lagi penuh cinta?

Hemm.. iya sih.. Semua lagi berjalan selaras: kekasih akhirnya berjarak cuma selemparan kancut, kerjaan weekend kemaren ditutup dengan manis, bahkan ego yang biasanya kenceng teriak2 kali ini cuma bisik2 aja kala terinjak.

Dengan demikian, gue sadar betul kalo gue nggak seharusnya jadi was2 dan bersikap antisipatif, takut kedamaian ini nanti bergulir diganti sama hujan badai. Bersikap waspada, karena takut gak siap kalo tiba2 badainya dateng. When the storm comes, it comes.. Toh kata Ibu Kartini, habis gelap terbitlah terang. Meaning, abis badai nanti kan langit lebih biru, udara jadi lebih dingin. Jadi, sekarang gue sebaiknya menikmati apa yang ada, dan terus menikmati sajian dari Tuhan meski nanti mungkin menunya ganti, bukan lagi menu favorit gue.

Yeah, that is exactly what I'm gonna do.. Menikmati kehidupan, dan singkirkan semua 'what ifs..' dari kepala gue.. Yeah.. I can do that.. *menari2 ditemani lagu Voltus.